Sunday, June 24, 2012

Grip [ Kai x You ]

Out of the entire suicide crisis out there, they are mainly because no one is there to save them. No one is there to save their broken mind and heart. Sometimes a stranger’s words are what affect a person more. The pain can reduce, the thoughts can die down, and something else will bloom. So don’t—runaway.

It’s happening again, my desire to skip school. Every time I have this thought, it’s always Sunday. A day before the week starts. And it’s always the event on Friday that makes me so melodramatic.

I become aware of what others think of me now. I want to know what’s in their minds when they hear my name, but knowing that much might actually tear me apart. This is reality, this is life.

Sometimes, I cry alone when everyone has gone to sleep. My body becomes hot and sweaty, my tears burn my eyes, and my body twitches unintentionally. I would jeer so hard, wondering why it’s me—why I have to face this. Why I have thoughts like this.

I just make my life miserable and in vain with these thoughts. I’m a pathetic, dreary being that has no motivation for life, no heart to simply try and overcome what I am. Is this a direction? Some sort of challenge that I need to face? I don’t believe in those.

But I want to believe and trust something. Why isn’t there someone in my life that can guide me? That can tell me how much I’m worth?

It took me so long to find out, that I, myself am the one capable of expressing myself. I need to try; I have to try—until I overcome this pain in my heart. There are no real pain, there can’t be. Everything just passes by each second.

The fan and my sniffles are the only sounds that could be heard in the household. Oh, and the sudden flicker of light from the house next door. I sometimes wonder if my cries would be heard. Our houses are so closely separated, I can see a figure from the corner of my eye, but I was soon blinded by more tears.

“You’re not running away are you?”

“Huh?” I reply. I can barely recognize that as my voice. It’s so raspy, filled with trembles.

I was aware that the window of the other house is now opened. I sat up from the bed and taking a few tissues, I waited for the person—the guy to reveal himself. His voice was like the voice I heard at the swimming competition. The voice that told me to keep on going, there’s only a little distance left. I loved that voice. Someone believed in me. That’s what I felt at that time. I just wish I can feel the same now.

“Everything will be okay.” He says.

“I’ve been telling myself that for quite some time already.” I mutter. “Who are you?”

“If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

He’s not helping one bit. “Go away, anonymous.” Despite the hot weather, I closed the window, shunned him outside of my view. I resumed back to lying on the bed, enjoying the solitude.

“Don’t leave, yet.”

“Shut it! Leave me alone with my thoughts!” I cry back.

“Thoughts? They are seeds that kill.” He hisses. “Now listen up you self-centered girl—get a grip.”

My rapid heartbeats disturbed the apprehensive memories and feelings from appearing in my mind, instead, they stayed back, letting me hear the clear thumps of my heart. I want a grip, I really do. All this time, I only wanted someone to tell me that, someone that can get some sense into me.

It used to be my mother, but I can’t tell her these thoughts. She would tell me not to mind them, but I care about every single thing everyone says and does! That’s just me and what I have come to do since I was small. I can’t just stop, I don’t know how. That’s not the right way to help me!

“I didn’t have friends.” He continues. “Everyone looked down on me. I don’t have a family, and my grades are below average. Loneliness is what I felt. I can’t change the way people think of me, but you can. You don’t know the effect you can do.”

“C-Can I know your name?” The throbbing has gone, the beating has died, my nose has stuffed up, yet the feeling of remorse is building up in me. I’m so stupid.


“Thank you, Kai.” Finally, someone’s words have reached me. Sometimes, a stranger’s words are much more useful than anyone I know. I have to remember, there’s always someone out there, who’s in a much worse situation than I am.

And meeting that person will let you have a different view in yourself.

“Congratulations on winning the swimming race.” Kai laughs. “Don’t run away from yourself okay?”

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  • 14. Asian. A typical Capricorn. Having to be my own hero, in case everything in life lets down on me. Love frogs. Love nature. Ultimate Naruto fan! Living and enduring life.
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