Memories can change what a person views another, it
can start the stirrings tinkling in my heart. And whenever that happens, it
always takes me a long time to tell myself: I don’t love Kai.
Why won’t you turn around? I’m only a few feet away from Kai, but why isn’t he
turning around? I’d like to see that handsome face of his, those 3D features
that dazzle me. It’s rare that Kai’s walking home, and it’s even rarer that we’re
walking on the same sidewalk. He’s my classmate, but I don’t have the courage
to speak his name.
Why am I even thinking about this? I told myself so many times that I don’t like
anyone, I’m not in love with anyone, but every time I see Kai…I can’t help but
want to talk to him, want to get to know him so much more. And most important
of all, I want him to actually notice me.
We’ve
only just left school now, so there’s still a long way until we part ways, but
I don’t have the courage to just call his name. Our classmates made a nickname
for him called Kai, but sometimes they call him his real name. I kept on
pondering on which to call him, and how I’ll call out to him, but I’m a coward
that only kept following him. Oh well, at least it’s still a long way, it’ll be
awkward if I did call out and had nothing to say.
I
remember on Facebook; how we’ll chat so openly and freely, yet look at me now.
I smiled when the memory of him standing up for me against another annoying
classmate of mine occurred. Kai basically spat out swear words at that boy who
keeps on bugging me about liking me. Kai said that boy is a pervert, and I
better not talk to someone like that anymore. I obeyed.
Another
memory flew back into my mind as I continue to stare at his back. It was our
grade’s survival camping trip. On the first night, the gamers threw the whole
grade in a dark platform. I was scared, and I frantically looked around for
people I knew. Then I saw Kai. He was standing there alone, simply staring at
the night sky. I went up to stand beside him.
“What?”
He asked.
“Don’t
leave me here!” I say without a second thought. It’s true, I want to spend time
with him.
“You’re
afraid of the dark?” Kai questions.
I didn’t
know if I should lie and say I am or reject saying that I just wanted to spend
time with him? “No.” I mumble.
“Liar, so
you are afraid.” He smirked. I shrugged, he can think whatever he wants as long
as my motives are hidden. I love him for his innocence toward ‘love’. It makes
things way easier.
I smile
to myself; I was having a crush on Kai at that time. I was so innocent,
daydreaming all day. Not like now, having no time to do stuff I’d like to do. I
want to get into a good university, I have to! It’s way more important than
this.
But my
heart still stirs as the two of us are half way towards the intersection where
we would have to split, yet he’s still not caring that another human being is
right behind him, following his steps and staring at the nape of his beautiful
neck.
My eyes
drift blank again, another lovely piece of memory of Kai and I are back. It was
just last semester (heck, all our memories were made during last semester), I
was urging him to add smiley faces after our texts so it wouldn’t be so cold
and unfriendly. He would listen to me and add smiley faces ever since then. Another
memory comes into my mind. There were a few days after school that his parents
would come pick him up in their car. It was hot, so he would roll down the
window. And when he passes me as I walk the same way home, I would wave, while
he would wave back. People from behind me saw me as a freak, but I didn’t mind,
because Kai waved back. That little interaction made me stay in dazed for quite
some time. All of the interactions did.
I loved him, so much. The two of us are almost to the intersection. I try
to call out to Kai, but nothing comes out of my throat. It feels so dry. I feel
so shy.
“K-Kai!”
I cry. Abruptly, he turns around to look at me with a shocked expression. We’re
at the intersection now. I gulp. “Bye.” And I wave, giving him a light smile.
He waves
back and turns around the corner, leaving me standing there. I sigh. I’m being
too indulgent in the littlest things possible, I have to stop and focus on my
dreams. My real dreams. Something that isn’t so impossible to achieve,
something that I can hold onto for the rest of my life. Instead of just
memories.
