Saturday, June 30, 2012
I
didn’t want this, I didn’t hope for this, but it happened, and there’s no
turning back unless we both forget, but it’s going to be hard—because wounds leave
scars. I’m sorry to have made Luhan
angry, maybe hate me even, just because I can’t control my emotions that run
through.
I’ve really done it this time. Luhan said
so himself. I can’t believe I can be so self-centered. I deserve to have no
friend, that’s what I should be—isolated.
Ever since seeing her and him so close, so
friendly, I feel like a light bulb. And I am starting to doubt our friendship.
We get into conflicts easily, partly because of me. I’m being a sensitive,
arrogant and pathetic girl. That’s what Luhan called me.
“You’re someone who want people to do what
you want aren’t you? The type of person that wants people to pity you!” Luhan
jeers.
That really hurts, knowing it came from
him. I still remember his raised voice, the annoyed aura he has and those dark
eyes.
Have I done really wrong this time? I
couldn’t hold it. We’re at the state when we have nothing to talk about. And it’s
funny, how our zodiac signs are totally incompatible, yet we still managed to
become such friends.
But thinking back, is our friendship this
lightly taken? What’s this feeling that’s squeezing and hurting my heart? It’s
this scorching guilt and regret building up. All I can think about is how wrong
I’ve been.
“Why did you want to cancel?” Luhan asked.
“Hmm…” Was all I replied.
“Why?” He waited and waited. “What do you
mean by that? Why? Tell me!”
He wanted to know the reason, but I don’t
even know myself. I just don’t want him to invite her to this ‘start of summer
break’ party. It was always Luhan and I. Always.
I can’t tell him that. That’s so greedy, so selfish. He grew so impatient,
he was actually scary.
But losing him in this totally abrupt way
is even more painful and frustrating. I want to be alone tomorrow. I don’t want
that party—should I force myself to have fun?
I’m afraid to lose everyone when they come
to see the real pathetic me. It’s just so hard to maintain the jealousy. No one
understands my mind, my heart, no one will want to listen to all these. What
will come of Luhan and I? What will?
It’s almost midnight—and I haven’t prepared
anything for his birthday tomorrow. How horrible of me. Loneliness is getting
the best of me; it’s not anything simple anymore. Not a reassuring smile from
Luhan would fix my broken mind—and heart.
Despite everything, I’ll say this secretly.
“Happy Advance Birthday.”
Labels: Lu Han, Oneshot: Upon Reflection, You
hold me now at 8:43 AM
Monday, June 25, 2012
Screencap made by me. It was around the start of episode 100, where Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura wanted to see what's behind Kakashi's mask. xD Gif credit to original owner.
I just totally love this gif!
"Don't worry, I'm okay." -Naruto
Labels: Naruto, Personal
hold me now at 6:00 AM
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Out
of the entire suicide crisis out there, they are mainly because no one is there
to save them. No one is there to save their broken mind and heart. Sometimes a
stranger’s words are what affect a person more. The pain can reduce, the
thoughts can die down, and something else will bloom. So don’t—runaway.
It’s
happening again, my desire to skip school. Every time I have this thought, it’s
always Sunday. A day before the week starts. And it’s always the event on Friday
that makes me so melodramatic.
I
become aware of what others think of me now. I want to know what’s in their
minds when they hear my name, but knowing that much might actually tear me
apart. This is reality, this is life.
Sometimes,
I cry alone when everyone has gone to sleep. My body becomes hot and sweaty, my
tears burn my eyes, and my body twitches unintentionally. I would jeer so hard,
wondering why it’s me—why I have to face this. Why I have thoughts like this.
I
just make my life miserable and in vain with these thoughts. I’m a pathetic,
dreary being that has no motivation for life, no heart to simply try and
overcome what I am. Is this a direction? Some sort of challenge that I need to
face? I don’t believe in those.
But
I want to believe and trust something. Why isn’t there someone in my life that
can guide me? That can tell me how much I’m worth?
It
took me so long to find out, that I, myself am the one capable of expressing
myself. I need to try; I have to try—until I overcome this pain in my heart. There
are no real pain, there can’t be. Everything just passes by each second.
The
fan and my sniffles are the only sounds that could be heard in the household.
Oh, and the sudden flicker of light from the house next door. I sometimes
wonder if my cries would be heard. Our houses are so closely separated, I can
see a figure from the corner of my eye, but I was soon blinded by more tears.
“You’re
not running away are you?”
“Huh?”
I reply. I can barely recognize that as my voice. It’s so raspy, filled with
trembles.
I
was aware that the window of the other house is now opened. I sat up from the
bed and taking a few tissues, I waited for the person—the guy to reveal
himself. His voice was like the voice I heard at the swimming competition. The
voice that told me to keep on going, there’s only a little distance left. I
loved that voice. Someone believed in me.
That’s what I felt at that time. I just wish I can feel the same now.
“Everything
will be okay.” He says.
“I’ve
been telling myself that for quite some time already.” I mutter. “Who are you?”
“If
it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
He’s
not helping one bit. “Go away, anonymous.” Despite the hot weather, I closed
the window, shunned him outside of my view. I resumed back to lying on the bed,
enjoying the solitude.
“Don’t
leave, yet.”
“Shut
it! Leave me alone with my thoughts!” I cry back.
“Thoughts?
They are seeds that kill.” He hisses. “Now listen up you self-centered girl—get a grip.”
My
rapid heartbeats disturbed the apprehensive memories and feelings from
appearing in my mind, instead, they stayed back, letting me hear the clear
thumps of my heart. I want a grip, I really do. All this time, I only wanted
someone to tell me that, someone that can get some sense into me.
It
used to be my mother, but I can’t tell her these thoughts. She would tell me
not to mind them, but I care about every single thing everyone says and does!
That’s just me and what I have come to do since I was small. I can’t just stop,
I don’t know how. That’s not the right way to help me!
“I
didn’t have friends.” He continues. “Everyone looked down on me. I don’t have a
family, and my grades are below average. Loneliness is what I felt. I can’t
change the way people think of me, but you can. You don’t know the effect you
can do.”
“C-Can
I know your name?” The throbbing has gone, the beating has died, my nose has
stuffed up, yet the feeling of remorse is building up in me. I’m so stupid.
“Kai.”
“Thank
you, Kai.” Finally, someone’s words have reached me. Sometimes, a stranger’s
words are much more useful than anyone I know. I have to remember, there’s
always someone out there, who’s in a much worse situation than I am.
And
meeting that person will let you have a different view in yourself.
“Congratulations
on winning the swimming race.” Kai laughs. “Don’t run away from yourself okay?”
Labels: Kai, Oneshot: Grip, You
hold me now at 6:01 AM
Saturday, June 23, 2012
You learn to like someone when you
find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you
find out what makes them cry. Loving someone is not only about the feeling, the
sensation and the romance itself—but
something much more, something that teaches, parishes, and grows.
She cried today. It kind of shocked
me, because she never cries. At least she always puts on a smiley face during
school hours. I love the way the end of her lips curl into a wide grin with her
eyes becoming so small only two curved lines are visible. It seems like she
adds joy to everything she feels and does, and the happy vibe lets her smile so
freely.
Though I can tell she doesn’t want
to smile anymore.
Describing her as the sun seems
accurate, always being so bubbly and carefree, but inside, she’s just another asteroid.
A lonely asteroid that is.
I never noticed, until she cried—that
she’s been acting, faking and hiding her inner self. I kind of understand, because
I’m a little like her, too.
Well, I used to. Now, I have people
important to me, people that I can trust and protect, people called friends. I
would like to be her friend, but she only sees me as a perverted, self-centered
and naughty classmate. I tend to tease her too much, but the truth is, I’m sweet on her. I want to be beside her,
want to feel what she is feeling because I understood how it felt to be alone. I
can perceive that much from staring at the back of her head and the way she
stares out the window with an unreachable look.
Just like her, I made up a wall that
is exactly the opposite of what I’m feeling and thinking inside. Patience is my
priority, and being sensitive and over thinking too much are my negative
straits. Maybe, she’s a little like that, too.
I don’t know what to say to her. She’s
right in front of me with her head down, trying desperately to keep calm. It’s
hard, and I know she’s fighting with emotional self. It’s predictable, since
the guys practically bashed out words because she couldn’t act. I’m not good
with words, and we’re not really close, but I refrained from adding oil onto
fire like my usual self. I feel bad seeing her like that. It’s not her problem
that she is shy on stage. Everyone just needs to see themselves in her state!
The sky is dark and gloomy,
dragonflies are flying everywhere. A thundershower is coming up. It looks like
the end of the world outside, yet it’s fascinating, the natural landscape. This
weather is simply a great masterpiece of the sky. “Hey.” I tap her shoulder.
She looks at me, her eyes a little watery.
I pretended I didn’t see and pointed
outside the window. “Do you have an extra umbrella?”
“No.” She mouths. “I don’t even have
one.”
“Then what are you going to do? What
are we going to do?” I grin a little.
She forces out an awkward laugh and
turns back to face the front. “Get rained on, easy logic that is.”
Her warm aura from the sun has
simply distinguished, leaving the planet cold and dreary. It seems like she has
given up, being crushed by herself. It seems like she is stressed out about her
authority being crushed on stage, but she can only laugh it off and pretend
that it doesn’t bother her, yet now she can’t seem to pay attention to anything
else—despite the fact that she wants to. To distract herself from humiliation.
“Look what I found.” I poke her
again.
“What?” She asks.
And I show her an umbrella. “Where
did you get that?”
“We got pitied.” I chuckle. Truth to
be told, I did bring an umbrella. I wanted her to feel like someone is in the
same state as her, so she won’t be as sad. I’ve been learning quite a few tips
about psychology lately.
“We?” She asks.
“Yes. We can share it. If you want.”
“Okay…”
Maybe my actions seem a little bit
childish, and my way of asking her to walk home together feels idiotic, but simplicity
has its beauty. And intricacy is something most people would like to avoid.
Love, seems to change a way a person
acts. Because loving someone is to be able to have full responsibility towards
them, and make sure they are fine. Even in the littlest ways possible, I’m
becoming more mature. Soon, I’m going to let her—
My sunshine, know that I’m not the
same aloof classmate she thought I was before.
People
love others not for who they are but for how they make them feel. She
gives me a direction, a light that tells me what I’m capable of. I’m really
catching on—in this life of reality and love.
Labels: Love, Lu Han, Oneshot: Maturity, You
hold me now at 1:31 AM
Thursday, June 7, 2012
You’re fine, you’re okay, but honestly—you aren’t. The person, who you thought knew you the most, actually doesn’t.
You weren’t there to judge me on my improvements. You weren’t there when I was working so hard, dad. Just because my scores are not rising as high as the way you want them to, you cannot tell me it’s no use to my practicing.
“You should tell him that you want to do things your way.” Baekhyun flicks your forehead at this, and he watches you wince. This isn’t the first time he’s done that, and it’s not the first time you’ve felt the immense pain from the little interaction. Actually, you were the one that told Baekhyun to do that. You want someone to tell you your rights and wrongs, so that you can strive to achieve something better.
“I don’t want to argue with him, because he won’t understand.” You reply, stating it clearly. “I don’t want to explain, I just want to show him how much I’ve—”
“There you go again. You’re not studying and working hard just to prove this to someone. You’re putting your all because you want to like studying.” Baekhyun flicks your forehead again. You look away, annoyed at his conclusion for this conversation.
Either way, you’re going to show your dad how well you can be. Studying with Baekhyun is something you’ve started to love to do. He understands you, understands your abilities, your personality and how much effort you put into things. You can say Baekhyun knows you better than your own father.
But he’s also the reason to why you’ve started acting so rebellious against your father. Because Baekhyun understands you, and your father only knows the past you, you get irritated when your father say things. You would grit your teeth and roll your eyes, muttering under your breath that your father doesn’t get you; he doesn’t understand you in anyway.
There are times when you are capable of doing things on your own, yet your father keeps seeing you as a little girl and denies your protests. That angers you, and you’ll go sulking to Baekhyun oppa. But going to him in a situation like this, the first thing he’d do was flick your forehead, then explain about what he thinks of it. And all those times, he would tell you to not be so hard on your father.
“Obey.” He chants, smiling and patting your head at the same time. Eventually, you’ll listen to him and try to accept the fact that your father has no time for you because of his job, and if he weren’t so busy, he won’t be like this anymore. The least you should do is giving him another thing to fuss over.
“How can I get a better grade, Baekhyun?” You spin your pen with your fingers, eyes wandering to Baekhyun’s serious expression. “Oppa?”
“I’m sorry.” He rubs the back of his head. “I was distracted weren’t I?”
“Yeah…” You whisper. It saddens you to see him like this, he seems down. “What’s wrong?”
“I wonder…if suddenly being isolated from class is called bullying.” Baekhyun has his lips pursed. There’s a bandage below his right lip. Come to speak of it, for a few weeks now, small wounds and cuts have appeared on his body. It’s not something serious, but big enough for you to notice it. It’s hard not to, because Baekhyun spends a lot of time studying with you.
“Are you being left out?” Your hand reaches our abruptly, and touches Baekhyun’s bandage, but your hand wobbles and misses it by a few inches. Instead, you accidentally poke his lip. “Why?”
“They say I’m a pedo.” Baekhyun rubs the back of his head, pulling away from your finger and adding awkward distance between the two of you. “Either way, I want you to know that our relationship will never change.”
A faint blush tints your cheeks, and you stand up. “Don’t conclude things on your own!”
So Baekhyun doesn’t really know you, either.
Labels: Byun Baekhyun, Oneshot: Conclude, You
hold me now at 4:14 AM
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Such a great new album +1
Labels: Ukiss
hold me now at 6:09 AM
Friday, June 1, 2012
"I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to."
-Jimi Hendrix
"That it'll never come again is what makes life so sweet."
-Emily Dickinson
I seriously love the quotes, and they may be prompts for me to write oneshots from now on!
Labels: Quotes
hold me now at 7:47 PM
Memories can change what a person views another, it
can start the stirrings tinkling in my heart. And whenever that happens, it
always takes me a long time to tell myself: I don’t love Kai.
Why won’t you turn around? I’m only a few feet away from Kai, but why isn’t he
turning around? I’d like to see that handsome face of his, those 3D features
that dazzle me. It’s rare that Kai’s walking home, and it’s even rarer that we’re
walking on the same sidewalk. He’s my classmate, but I don’t have the courage
to speak his name.
Why am I even thinking about this? I told myself so many times that I don’t like
anyone, I’m not in love with anyone, but every time I see Kai…I can’t help but
want to talk to him, want to get to know him so much more. And most important
of all, I want him to actually notice me.
We’ve
only just left school now, so there’s still a long way until we part ways, but
I don’t have the courage to just call his name. Our classmates made a nickname
for him called Kai, but sometimes they call him his real name. I kept on
pondering on which to call him, and how I’ll call out to him, but I’m a coward
that only kept following him. Oh well, at least it’s still a long way, it’ll be
awkward if I did call out and had nothing to say.
I
remember on Facebook; how we’ll chat so openly and freely, yet look at me now.
I smiled when the memory of him standing up for me against another annoying
classmate of mine occurred. Kai basically spat out swear words at that boy who
keeps on bugging me about liking me. Kai said that boy is a pervert, and I
better not talk to someone like that anymore. I obeyed.
Another
memory flew back into my mind as I continue to stare at his back. It was our
grade’s survival camping trip. On the first night, the gamers threw the whole
grade in a dark platform. I was scared, and I frantically looked around for
people I knew. Then I saw Kai. He was standing there alone, simply staring at
the night sky. I went up to stand beside him.
“What?”
He asked.
“Don’t
leave me here!” I say without a second thought. It’s true, I want to spend time
with him.
“You’re
afraid of the dark?” Kai questions.
I didn’t
know if I should lie and say I am or reject saying that I just wanted to spend
time with him? “No.” I mumble.
“Liar, so
you are afraid.” He smirked. I shrugged, he can think whatever he wants as long
as my motives are hidden. I love him for his innocence toward ‘love’. It makes
things way easier.
I smile
to myself; I was having a crush on Kai at that time. I was so innocent,
daydreaming all day. Not like now, having no time to do stuff I’d like to do. I
want to get into a good university, I have to! It’s way more important than
this.
But my
heart still stirs as the two of us are half way towards the intersection where
we would have to split, yet he’s still not caring that another human being is
right behind him, following his steps and staring at the nape of his beautiful
neck.
My eyes
drift blank again, another lovely piece of memory of Kai and I are back. It was
just last semester (heck, all our memories were made during last semester), I
was urging him to add smiley faces after our texts so it wouldn’t be so cold
and unfriendly. He would listen to me and add smiley faces ever since then. Another
memory comes into my mind. There were a few days after school that his parents
would come pick him up in their car. It was hot, so he would roll down the
window. And when he passes me as I walk the same way home, I would wave, while
he would wave back. People from behind me saw me as a freak, but I didn’t mind,
because Kai waved back. That little interaction made me stay in dazed for quite
some time. All of the interactions did.
I loved him, so much. The two of us are almost to the intersection. I try
to call out to Kai, but nothing comes out of my throat. It feels so dry. I feel
so shy.
“K-Kai!”
I cry. Abruptly, he turns around to look at me with a shocked expression. We’re
at the intersection now. I gulp. “Bye.” And I wave, giving him a light smile.
He waves
back and turns around the corner, leaving me standing there. I sigh. I’m being
too indulgent in the littlest things possible, I have to stop and focus on my
dreams. My real dreams. Something that isn’t so impossible to achieve,
something that I can hold onto for the rest of my life. Instead of just
memories.
Labels: Kai, Oneshot: Indulgent, You
hold me now at 7:06 AM
