Friday, August 17, 2012
There are some people who are simply
crazy; they are not fit to be human. They simply don’t have any feelings
towards what they do. I loved him so much, I fell in love with him numerous
times, and I thought that maybe he would get my feelings one day and stop his
actions. I was wrong, he has fallen too deep. I’ve just been a toy in his plan.
In the end, everything went his way.
I don’t get how some people are able
to make you fall in love with them for a moment, then shatter your heart like
you were never meant to be.
Did they actually plan this? Or was
it their natural habit?
I hope it’s neither, because it hurts.
You can never really forget the
feeling you get when they suddenly change, when they say you’re a piece of
trash. When they jeer at you with their hollow eyes, telling you they were only
playing with you.
People who haven’t been through
this, tells you to forget and live on. That they are not worthy enough to be a
part of your precious life, no matter how much you’ve loved them.
But the wounds they make—leave scars.
Truth to be told, I get scared every
now and then about what he thinks of me. I wonder what runs in his head when he
hears my name, because he surely doesn’t show anything.
I get confused a lot, and that confusion
makes me frustrated and being in frustration for too long—drives me into
madness. That madness slowly forms into hate. There’s always a limit to how
much a person can endure another’s physical and verbal ways.
The sharp sound of glass breaking against the
marble floor echoes in the air. The silence after the impact is what’s truly
eerie. You don’t know what’s going to happen during the few moments of secrecy.
“You’ve got to stop doing that!” I hush. The
absence of sound is hard for my heart, where it beats so rapidly, thumping
against my chest, forcing my body heat to rise. This feeling of being scared,
is something that happens daily.
There were two sides of him, a lovely prince or a
scowling beast. Both of them leave damage to my heart mentally. And sometimes
physically—when the beast comes out. I’m aware of everything now, saying what
needs to say and nothing more, only eating what I need and not desire for more.
I don’t want him to find a chance to pick out my mistake, and get all angry.
“I hate you, I hate you!” He comes yelling and
waving his fist into my room. He reeks of alcohol. “You and that stupid
marriage! Taking away my right and free will to love another being!”
“You’re a pathetic girl. What can
you achieve?” Luhan laughed. “You’re even worse than Kai.” The shade of his
cheeks has turned bright red. I didn’t know what he drank, but he’s become more
hurtful than ever.
Standing in front of him, I grasp my
chest, and with my eyes closed, I hope—that
he can accomplish his dream. Mother said to compliment or encourage another
when I am disturbed by their behavior. Then, I won’t feel that hard thing that
clogs in my throat, because having hope in people, will deflate and overpower
the frustration, and light a way.
I went to sleep on the couch, afraid
to disturb the sleeping Luhan. So he accidentally drank alcohol instead of
medicine, or else he wouldn’t be in that state. It’s highly doubtable though.
He has been in quite a bad mood, that he bashes all the pressure on me.
There’s nothing I can do about this
situation, but keep blessing him. I want him to see over his confidence that
has turned into arrogance. I need him to know that his confidence is going to
turn on him in the end. Luhan knows I won’t
leave him. He knows I don’t have the courage to do that.
“Baby…You there?” Luhan’s voice
wakes me from my slumber. He seems to be in a much better mood. That’s a
relief. And somehow, I can see a small smile on his lips.
“Does your head hurt?” I whisper. He
hates it when I speak loudly, to him, my voice is a nuisance.
“A little. Can you rub it for me?”
He walks over casually, planting himself on the soft carpet, leaning his back
against me. The smell of his hair and clothes are sweet. I’ve always loved this
smell, but he would say it’s disgusting. I don’t know when and where he changed
back into these plain clothes, when he would just wear those suits and have
girls flutter around him. That’s what he smelt like. Like a monster.
“Is this good enough?” I place my
hands on his head, rubbing it and stroking his hair.
Silence erupts. “You don’t have to
be so scared.” He whispers.
“Thank you.” I mumble. Although I
act like nothing is bothering me on the outside, I’m really uncertain. What are
his motives? Why is he telling me that? How can I not love him? He looks so
innocent, like a child, yet everyone is afraid of him, afraid that he would
hurt them. Luhan has this gift to talk people into doing things for him. He can
buy anyone with only his mouth.
I fell for it, too. And now I’m
falling for him all over again. I fell for him when we first met, when my dad
introduced me to him. He was cool yet distant at that time, but he wasn’t mean
at all. He treated me like a normal girl despite our status after marriage; I
was sad, but quickly recovered. These things need time, why rush it? Not until
I knew what he was doing all this time. My love for him shattered—no, it didn’t.
I still loved him, but my patience was gone. I couldn’t stand him. He’s simply
a playboy, a dandy that is sneaking and snooping behind my back. I never knew
he hated me that much until he poured everything out last night. Those fury
eyes were full of loathe. There wasn’t a hint of mercy.
“I’m really sorry.” Luhan rubbed the
back off his head. “For what I said last night.”
“Which part?” I practically yelled. I’m
furious all over again; I can’t stand holding everything in. This Luhan seems
so nice, seems like someone I can trust. Maybe I might be able to tell him a
little of what I felt about the old him, in case I won’t have the chance to let
everything out ever again. And even if the next minute this Luhan turns out to
be the old, cold, distant him, I have already decided to confront him.
I stand up, my veins forming on my
neck and my hands. It always happens when I’m angry. My blood pressure becomes
high, and the instant it reaches its limit, my vascular would explode. If it’s
serious, I would die. Even the slightest effects would give me a stroke. I
inherited this from my parents.
The beautiful pink sky reflected off
of Luhan’s shocked face. His eyes were round and wide, looking at me. It’s
still early, around five in the morning. I don’t want to ruin the quiet and
peaceful dawn.
“I’ve been hurt so many times, every
single time! You get mad, drunk, then the next morning you tell me you’re
sorry. You tell me you didn’t mean to, you say that you’re trying to adapt to
this marriage. But it always repeats. It happens again! And you better not be
playing with me this time.” I cry. The tinkling feeling reaches my nose, it’s
the first step before I start to tear up.
My vision was blurred, I reached a
hand to wipe away the tears, but Luhan catches my arm. “Don’t wipe it away.
Cry.” He holds onto my arm, then he stands up to face me. I can hear his
heartbeat already—or was it my own? “Calm down and cry.”
Luhan pulls our bodies together, his
arms circled around my shoulders, and his bends his head down to face mine. He
lands his lips on my forehead and pulls me even closer. This time, I’m sure I
heard his nice patterned heart beats. I literally cry, my muffled screams were
being absorbed into his shirt, including the tears from my eyes. He stands
there, with his head rested on my shoulder.
I hug him tightly, basically
squeezing him. “Stop making me fall in love with you every single time.”
“Don’t worry, this will be the last
time I’ll ever hurt you.” Luhan pulls away; he places a palm on my cheek,
causing me to blush.
It has been like that for days, to
weeks, to months and finally, it has been two years. Luhan obeyed, he protected
me, he loved me and he kept his promise to never hurt me again.
One morning, I was watching the
sunrise, remembering the day where he actually treated me like a different
person, as someone special. Today, I was waiting for him to come back from
work. He should be back from the airport any minute now.
The door unlocks, I run to the front
door. “Lu!” I exclaim.
“Hey.” Luhan smiles widely.
“I’m going to be a mother!” I cry in
excitement, running to him. The minute our body made contact, he pulled me off
the ground, spinning around and around.
“And I’m going to be a father…” Luhan
can’t believe the news. He was speechless. After he let me down, he placed his
arm around my shoulders and wolf whistled. I smile as I look up at him, feeling
the happy aura beaming around us. He places his hands over mine and we silently
stare at each other, a soft smile playing on our lips.
“Let’s celebrate tonight.” Luhan
suggests.
“Sure.”
“Do you remember?” He asks.
“Remember what?”
“What day today is…” He whispered.
“Not really.”
“Sheesh. And I thought girls were
supposed to remember these kinds of things. Today was the day we first met.
When our parents introduced us.” Luhan exclaimed, his eyebrows were wriggling
and his eyes were unforgivable. “How could you forget?”
“Ah. I’m sorry.” A blush dances on
my cheek, slowly working its way all over my face.
“Well, dates shouldn’t really matter
huh? Luhan smiles again.
That night, he drove in his car,
taking me to a high class restaurant. We were forced to eat elegantly and not
goof off, though it was hard, we maintained our composure. Through half of the
meal, guys in suits started making their way into the restaurant.
I wondered what was wrong. Luhan was
calm, so I didn’t pay attention to them anymore. But they started getting
closer to our table; their loud ruff voices were discussing something. Then,
Luhan touched my hand, his eyes firm.
“Don’t be distracted by them.” He
simply says.
“Alright…” I reply.
As soon as I turn my head around to
face Luhan again, his hand had reached out in front of my face. I watch his
hands touch my chin, and then he grips it tightly around my neck. As soon as he
does that, the man in suits come toward us.
“Go die.” Luhan jeered.
“W-what?”
“I mean exactly what I said.” He
cried. “Your dad killed my father for money. Your dad stole our hotel away.
Your dad made me marry you so he can keep an eye on me!”
“I never knew.” I tremble. I want to
pull his hands off of me. It doesn’t hurt anymore, what hurts is my heart. “You
should have never made any promises, if you can’t keep them.”
“I never loved you. I never did and
never would. I just wanted to get revenge.” Luhan let go of my neck. He sat
back on his chair and watched as the guys grabbed onto me, pulling me toward the
stairs. I never thought I’d die this way, but apparently, that’s not what they
wanted.
They pushed me down the stairs all
right, but the only real thought I have now, is the baby. Although it’s only a
few weeks old, the life…the little life is now dead. I cannot bare the pain
that Luhan is giving me once again. How cruel can he be? He’s mad; he has
turned into a complete freak. A beast, a monster!
I don’t believe he never had
feelings for me, I don’t believe what he means. No one could have acted like
that, no one could have…wait, my bad—Luhan can do all that, because he’s simply
not human.
He has made me meet death for so
many times, but he kept me alive, just to hurt me more mentally. I should have
never thought he would change. Our whole relationship has been a wheedle, a
game and a revenge.
For all I know, I’ve been so stupid.
Labels: Lu Han, Oneshot: Wheedle, You
hold me now at 4:33 AM
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I
didn’t want this, I didn’t hope for this, but it happened, and there’s no
turning back unless we both forget, but it’s going to be hard—because wounds leave
scars. I’m sorry to have made Luhan
angry, maybe hate me even, just because I can’t control my emotions that run
through.
I’ve really done it this time. Luhan said
so himself. I can’t believe I can be so self-centered. I deserve to have no
friend, that’s what I should be—isolated.
Ever since seeing her and him so close, so
friendly, I feel like a light bulb. And I am starting to doubt our friendship.
We get into conflicts easily, partly because of me. I’m being a sensitive,
arrogant and pathetic girl. That’s what Luhan called me.
“You’re someone who want people to do what
you want aren’t you? The type of person that wants people to pity you!” Luhan
jeers.
That really hurts, knowing it came from
him. I still remember his raised voice, the annoyed aura he has and those dark
eyes.
Have I done really wrong this time? I
couldn’t hold it. We’re at the state when we have nothing to talk about. And it’s
funny, how our zodiac signs are totally incompatible, yet we still managed to
become such friends.
But thinking back, is our friendship this
lightly taken? What’s this feeling that’s squeezing and hurting my heart? It’s
this scorching guilt and regret building up. All I can think about is how wrong
I’ve been.
“Why did you want to cancel?” Luhan asked.
“Hmm…” Was all I replied.
“Why?” He waited and waited. “What do you
mean by that? Why? Tell me!”
He wanted to know the reason, but I don’t
even know myself. I just don’t want him to invite her to this ‘start of summer
break’ party. It was always Luhan and I. Always.
I can’t tell him that. That’s so greedy, so selfish. He grew so impatient,
he was actually scary.
But losing him in this totally abrupt way
is even more painful and frustrating. I want to be alone tomorrow. I don’t want
that party—should I force myself to have fun?
I’m afraid to lose everyone when they come
to see the real pathetic me. It’s just so hard to maintain the jealousy. No one
understands my mind, my heart, no one will want to listen to all these. What
will come of Luhan and I? What will?
It’s almost midnight—and I haven’t prepared
anything for his birthday tomorrow. How horrible of me. Loneliness is getting
the best of me; it’s not anything simple anymore. Not a reassuring smile from
Luhan would fix my broken mind—and heart.
Despite everything, I’ll say this secretly.
“Happy Advance Birthday.”
Labels: Lu Han, Oneshot: Upon Reflection, You
hold me now at 8:43 AM
Saturday, June 23, 2012
You learn to like someone when you
find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you
find out what makes them cry. Loving someone is not only about the feeling, the
sensation and the romance itself—but
something much more, something that teaches, parishes, and grows.
She cried today. It kind of shocked
me, because she never cries. At least she always puts on a smiley face during
school hours. I love the way the end of her lips curl into a wide grin with her
eyes becoming so small only two curved lines are visible. It seems like she
adds joy to everything she feels and does, and the happy vibe lets her smile so
freely.
Though I can tell she doesn’t want
to smile anymore.
Describing her as the sun seems
accurate, always being so bubbly and carefree, but inside, she’s just another asteroid.
A lonely asteroid that is.
I never noticed, until she cried—that
she’s been acting, faking and hiding her inner self. I kind of understand, because
I’m a little like her, too.
Well, I used to. Now, I have people
important to me, people that I can trust and protect, people called friends. I
would like to be her friend, but she only sees me as a perverted, self-centered
and naughty classmate. I tend to tease her too much, but the truth is, I’m sweet on her. I want to be beside her,
want to feel what she is feeling because I understood how it felt to be alone. I
can perceive that much from staring at the back of her head and the way she
stares out the window with an unreachable look.
Just like her, I made up a wall that
is exactly the opposite of what I’m feeling and thinking inside. Patience is my
priority, and being sensitive and over thinking too much are my negative
straits. Maybe, she’s a little like that, too.
I don’t know what to say to her. She’s
right in front of me with her head down, trying desperately to keep calm. It’s
hard, and I know she’s fighting with emotional self. It’s predictable, since
the guys practically bashed out words because she couldn’t act. I’m not good
with words, and we’re not really close, but I refrained from adding oil onto
fire like my usual self. I feel bad seeing her like that. It’s not her problem
that she is shy on stage. Everyone just needs to see themselves in her state!
The sky is dark and gloomy,
dragonflies are flying everywhere. A thundershower is coming up. It looks like
the end of the world outside, yet it’s fascinating, the natural landscape. This
weather is simply a great masterpiece of the sky. “Hey.” I tap her shoulder.
She looks at me, her eyes a little watery.
I pretended I didn’t see and pointed
outside the window. “Do you have an extra umbrella?”
“No.” She mouths. “I don’t even have
one.”
“Then what are you going to do? What
are we going to do?” I grin a little.
She forces out an awkward laugh and
turns back to face the front. “Get rained on, easy logic that is.”
Her warm aura from the sun has
simply distinguished, leaving the planet cold and dreary. It seems like she has
given up, being crushed by herself. It seems like she is stressed out about her
authority being crushed on stage, but she can only laugh it off and pretend
that it doesn’t bother her, yet now she can’t seem to pay attention to anything
else—despite the fact that she wants to. To distract herself from humiliation.
“Look what I found.” I poke her
again.
“What?” She asks.
And I show her an umbrella. “Where
did you get that?”
“We got pitied.” I chuckle. Truth to
be told, I did bring an umbrella. I wanted her to feel like someone is in the
same state as her, so she won’t be as sad. I’ve been learning quite a few tips
about psychology lately.
“We?” She asks.
“Yes. We can share it. If you want.”
“Okay…”
Maybe my actions seem a little bit
childish, and my way of asking her to walk home together feels idiotic, but simplicity
has its beauty. And intricacy is something most people would like to avoid.
Love, seems to change a way a person
acts. Because loving someone is to be able to have full responsibility towards
them, and make sure they are fine. Even in the littlest ways possible, I’m
becoming more mature. Soon, I’m going to let her—
My sunshine, know that I’m not the
same aloof classmate she thought I was before.
People
love others not for who they are but for how they make them feel. She
gives me a direction, a light that tells me what I’m capable of. I’m really
catching on—in this life of reality and love.
Labels: Love, Lu Han, Oneshot: Maturity, You
hold me now at 1:31 AM
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Getting me stuck with my own tedious feelings,
emotions, thoughts and ideas kills. It’s a fight that I can never win. There’s
simply no opponent, but myself, who I know the most. Jealousy is hard to
overcome, because when you love someone that much, it’s just hard to let
another person into the closely woven friendship.
I feel hot. It’s weird, because it’s pretty
cool today. But the hotness is coming from my body itself, and it gives an
effect harder than what the outer temperature can do to me. It pains me to just
think about them being so close of a friend right now.
Why did things turn out this way? It’s all
because she sat behind him that started their relationship. I’m jealous, indeed
jealous. There’s no description to the immense jealousy I have inside of me
right now. Yet, I can’t do a thing but sulk myself.
Luhan was my best friend, my one and only
close friend. We do everything together, there’s only the two of us, until she
transferred to our school. Still, she wasn’t our ‘type’ to hang with. UNTIL she
sat behind him. I want to cry. He started acting her strong personality,
started talking to her and finding her much more amusing and exciting to hang
out with.
That’s because she’s so different from
Luhan, she actually attracts his attention easily. She’s good at mechanical things,
she has an open and carefree personality, and she’s not the type of girl with
good grades and follows teacher’s orders. But she tries hard when she wants to,
and she is a good friend. That’s what she fit well in our school fast. She has
a horrible background that immediately has people care for her, but that’s not
something Luhan knew until he became so familiar with her.
I didn’t know they started exchanging
numbers, and I didn’t know Luhan has called her so many times. He even went to
her house. Because she couldn’t sleep, so she asked Luhan to chat with her for
the whole night. I acted like I didn’t care, acted like she was my friend, too,
but I cry when I’m alone. I want my best friend back. This is so wrong of me,
because she never was my enemy, she never did anything wrong to me, she doesn’t
have any reason for me to dislike her and his relationship so much.
Today, she had to take a leave from her
school. I didn’t know what was wrong until Luhan told me after school, that she
lives in an abusive family. He explained that she has spent a lot of time at
our school’s counseling office talking to our counsel teacher about her
problem. They suggested she leaves the family for a while and should take a
break from school for a week. After that, Luhan repeated their conversation to
me.
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“Somewhere safe.” She replied calmly.
Then after Luhan came to my house, we
started watching The Phantom of Opera. In the middle of the movie, he suddenly
says he misses her. I froze, but managed a reply. “One week, that’s really
long.”
Luhan sighed. “I like her cool aura and
behavior a lot!”
Yeah,
yeah. I know. She’s so different from me, so new to
him that he can’t help but want to get attached to. Being with her, he’s never
going to be bored or in an awkward situation.
I’ve never been the social type; I believe
I’m so much mature than everyone in our class. Boy was I so wrong. She’s in
something much more complicated than what I’m feeling and thinking. My negative
and dreary thoughts are something I
can stop, but abuse, is not something
she can take control of. It’s not like I do anything bad to her, but I just can’t
stand Luhan putting me in second place.
Maybe I should try to be her best friend,
too? Maybe I should act more open? I want to get rid of my jealousy, my distain,
my stupid mind of thoughts!
But that’s like telling me not to feel.
I want someone to be with me…to always stay
with me, yet I’m acting so childish. I’m acting as if this world is resolving
around me. Which is wrong of me to think so. I want to be saved, BADLY.
“I hate myself…”
Labels: Lu Han, Oneshot: Over Thinking, You
hold me now at 6:03 AM
Friday, May 25, 2012
I shunned the world outside of my protective tower,
yet there Luhan was, ranting about my dying life and giving me a sense of direction,
which eventually led to something much more.
People
say I don’t deserve to live, because I’m so weak. This world in this era where
the weak gets defeated humiliated and destroyed. Yet, what’s so different
between you and me?
I was
casted aside from my own community at birth, just because I didn’t get the
vaccination in time. You may be asking why I can’t get it now. Well first of
all, I am already banned from the community, from my own home. I was sold to the Plazatium wolf clan, too. And second, I’m
already infected with an illness that no human made medicine can save me. Some
pills can reduce the disease, but sooner or later, I’d die (but it’s not like I
care).
Surprisingly,
the wolves in my clan are afraid of no disease, and they live with me like I’m
not a major problem to their health, even though they, too casted me to
somewhere secretive, no men can ever step foot in here twice. I have a secret
though. I can actually heal myself and others—when they are desperate.
My
patrons are only a few regular customers, mostly wolves that are wounded badly
and have no time for its injury to heal by itself. I mean, half of them are
people who happen to stumble pass my tower that I call home.
I
remember, in my lifeless and caged life up here, I’ve met a funny guy. He said
I was pretty. I wonder what that meant. Or more like, what he intended to say?
I have long golden locks, it’s extremely long, like literally. I would throw my
hair down for that funny boy to climb up. He’s the first one to use my hair as a
utensil.
“Sweetheart,
please let your hair down.” He would call after a few trips here. It’s
surprising to know that he can find my tower for so many times without getting
lost in the woods. There’s a spell that hides me.
After I
let down my hair and he takes it to climb up, I would always ask him the same question
every time. “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Why
would I be afraid of you? I don’t care about your contagious disease.” He would
bow and plant a kiss on my hand. No one has touched me so many times before.
“Are you
a wolf?” I asked when he first came. He doesn’t look like one. He doesn’t have
any special traits that indicate him as a Plazatium. Yet, he has the heartiest
looking face ever, but he doesn’t seem like he’s human, either.
“I’m not
anybody but me. I’m Luhan.” He toys with my hair. “Your hair is really pretty.
Just like yourself.”
“I’m
weak though.” I reply. “I don’t have enough will to explore the world.”
Luahn
continues to examine my hair, letting a thin strand of hair glow in the immense
sunlight. He has his small eyes squinted and his nose scrunched up. What is he
actually? He’s not afraid about my disease; he shouldn’t be after all those
visits. But he shouldn’t get closer to me, I’m dying. And I plan to die alone,
with no regrets.
He’s definitely
making it harder for me to live. Each time he comes, he would praise me of my
beauty, shrug off the fact that I’m ill, encourage me to explore outside of the
tower, jeer at the worthless humans in my community, and complain about how the
wolves don’t pay me much attention at all.
I
noticed he would come at the same time each day, but one day, he didn’t come at
the exact time, but later. Two weeks later he managed to show himself up. I was
bothered by the fact that I’m worrying about where he went and why he went. It’s
not something I should feel.
“Why isn’t
it something you shouldn’t feel?” Luhan asked.
“I’m
dying.”
“You can’t
use ‘dying’ as an excuse to block out the world. You’ve been granted the gift
to see, hear, feel and speak. Yet you’re saying that you shouldn’t do all those
things because you’ll be gone. That’s not right.” He retorted.
“Then
what’s right?” I cross my arms, disliking the fact that he’s correct.
“The
definition of dying without regrets, isn’t it the same as living your life to
the fullest? You’re supposed to experience things or else your life would be of
no meaning, sweetheart.” Luhan
smiled. “I was gone for two weeks, because I went to get you this.” He reaches
for something in his bag and pulls out a small circular thing.
“What’s
that?” You immediately question.
“A
promise ring. I know promise rings are not supposed to be used this way, but I
want you to promise me that you’ll try new things, with me.” Luhan slips the golden ring into the accurate finger and
caress my hand. Then, he leans in to brush his lips against my nose.
Perceiving.
I’m feeling perceiving something tingling in my stomach. It’s not the first
time these stirrings have showed up in my body. It’s been happening a lot
lately, and it seems to happen every time when I’m with Luhan.
“Is
there a spell within the ring? I won’t get punished for not fulfilling the
promise right?” I raised my arm and viewed the golden band from different
places. It’s so shining.
Luhan
laughs. “Of course not. Who would be that crucial?”
“My
community.” I whisper, just enough for Luhan to catch the words. He immediately
frowned. I had a feeling that he’s going to start ranting. I cracked a smile
and held onto his hands. They were soft, silky and…icy cold.
But instead,
he slips his hand away from mine and backs off. I was curious, so I took a step
forward as he continues to walk backwards. I don’t know what he’s doing. If he’s
playing some games with me, I’m totally not buying it.
“What’s
wrong Luhan?” I point my finger at him, accidentally yawning. It just came out
like that. I watch him rub his thumb against his temples continuously.
“You…What
do you feel for me?” He asks sternly, ignoring the sound I made, but he must
have heard it.
That’s a
funny question coming from a funny person. “I don’t know. There’s just these
stirrings that…that stir inside my mind, my body and my…my heart.” I mumble,
suddenly knowing what he’s meaning.
I’m in
love with this unknown creature called Luhan.
“Wait,
are you saying I’m not supposed to love you?” I stare at him.
“No. I
didn’t say that. I just thought…I saw you coughing blood yesterday. I think you
and I know perfectly well, what is about to happen.” Luhan replies. “I’m sorry.
It’s my entire fault.”
“Why?” I
press him harder. It’s true that I’ve been coughing up blood recently, I’ve
been feeling numb from head to toe each morning, sometimes, my vision blurs and
half of the time, I feel like sleeping. I’m dying, I know that, but Luhan’s
finding it his fault? He’s wrong.
“Because
I hastened your process of dying!” He screams.
“Huh?”
“Do you
know that you’re in a mental state right now?” Luhan fiddles with his clothing.
“Me…I’m just something your mind thought up. I don’t know what made you create
me all of a sudden. That’s something only your mind can comprehend.” He says
rather hollowly.
I don’t
even know the answer myself. All I know is that, no wonder he’s so funny,
because he’s not real. No one would be that magical to not get diseased with
me, no one would rant about everything that’s unfair in my life, no one would
have come back to my tower for so many times, no one would have given me a
promise ring, promising something that’s so absurd in my state, and nobody
would have loved me like he did to me.
“Luhan?”
I ask.
“Yes,
sweetheart?”
“Nothing.
I just want to make sure of you.” I whisper.
“Make
sure of me?” He questions.
“You
made me happy.” I say slowly. “I love you.”
Luhan
sags into a chair; his body seems to be weighed down. He doesn’t look at me. I
start to fume, yet I’m so tired. I haven’t gotten a good sleep in so long, I
wonder what it’s like to just lie down and rest. “Go to sleep.” He murmurs.
“Stay
with me?”
“Always.”
He gets into the bed beside me. He uses his arm as a pillow for me to place my
head. Being loved is something I’ll never regret. I yawn and before taking one
last glimpse at Luhan, I doze off—knowing that I’ll never wake up again.
Labels: Lu Han, Oneshot: Perceive, You
hold me now at 7:59 AM
