Saturday, June 30, 2012

Upon Reflection [ Luhan x You ]

I didn’t want this, I didn’t hope for this, but it happened, and there’s no turning back unless we both forget, but it’s going to be hard—because wounds leave scars. I’m sorry to have made Luhan angry, maybe hate me even, just because I can’t control my emotions that run through.

I’ve really done it this time. Luhan said so himself. I can’t believe I can be so self-centered. I deserve to have no friend, that’s what I should be—isolated.

Ever since seeing her and him so close, so friendly, I feel like a light bulb. And I am starting to doubt our friendship. We get into conflicts easily, partly because of me. I’m being a sensitive, arrogant and pathetic girl. That’s what Luhan called me.

“You’re someone who want people to do what you want aren’t you? The type of person that wants people to pity you!” Luhan jeers.

That really hurts, knowing it came from him. I still remember his raised voice, the annoyed aura he has and those dark eyes.

Have I done really wrong this time? I couldn’t hold it. We’re at the state when we have nothing to talk about. And it’s funny, how our zodiac signs are totally incompatible, yet we still managed to become such friends.

But thinking back, is our friendship this lightly taken? What’s this feeling that’s squeezing and hurting my heart? It’s this scorching guilt and regret building up. All I can think about is how wrong I’ve been.

“Why did you want to cancel?” Luhan asked.

“Hmm…” Was all I replied.

“Why?” He waited and waited. “What do you mean by that? Why? Tell me!”

He wanted to know the reason, but I don’t even know myself. I just don’t want him to invite her to this ‘start of summer break’ party. It was always Luhan and I. Always. I can’t tell him that. That’s so greedy, so selfish. He grew so impatient, he was actually scary.

But losing him in this totally abrupt way is even more painful and frustrating. I want to be alone tomorrow. I don’t want that party—should I force myself to have fun?

I’m afraid to lose everyone when they come to see the real pathetic me. It’s just so hard to maintain the jealousy. No one understands my mind, my heart, no one will want to listen to all these. What will come of Luhan and I? What will?

It’s almost midnight—and I haven’t prepared anything for his birthday tomorrow. How horrible of me. Loneliness is getting the best of me; it’s not anything simple anymore. Not a reassuring smile from Luhan would fix my broken mind—and heart. 

Despite everything, I’ll say this secretly.

“Happy Advance Birthday.” 

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  • 14. Asian. A typical Capricorn. Having to be my own hero, in case everything in life lets down on me. Love frogs. Love nature. Ultimate Naruto fan! Living and enduring life.
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