Thursday, May 31, 2012

Over Thinking [ Luhan x You ]

Getting me stuck with my own tedious feelings, emotions, thoughts and ideas kills. It’s a fight that I can never win. There’s simply no opponent, but myself, who I know the most. Jealousy is hard to overcome, because when you love someone that much, it’s just hard to let another person into the closely woven friendship.

I feel hot. It’s weird, because it’s pretty cool today. But the hotness is coming from my body itself, and it gives an effect harder than what the outer temperature can do to me. It pains me to just think about them being so close of a friend right now.

Why did things turn out this way? It’s all because she sat behind him that started their relationship. I’m jealous, indeed jealous. There’s no description to the immense jealousy I have inside of me right now. Yet, I can’t do a thing but sulk myself.

Luhan was my best friend, my one and only close friend. We do everything together, there’s only the two of us, until she transferred to our school. Still, she wasn’t our ‘type’ to hang with. UNTIL she sat behind him. I want to cry. He started acting her strong personality, started talking to her and finding her much more amusing and exciting to hang out with.

That’s because she’s so different from Luhan, she actually attracts his attention easily. She’s good at mechanical things, she has an open and carefree personality, and she’s not the type of girl with good grades and follows teacher’s orders. But she tries hard when she wants to, and she is a good friend. That’s what she fit well in our school fast. She has a horrible background that immediately has people care for her, but that’s not something Luhan knew until he became so familiar with her.

I didn’t know they started exchanging numbers, and I didn’t know Luhan has called her so many times. He even went to her house. Because she couldn’t sleep, so she asked Luhan to chat with her for the whole night. I acted like I didn’t care, acted like she was my friend, too, but I cry when I’m alone. I want my best friend back. This is so wrong of me, because she never was my enemy, she never did anything wrong to me, she doesn’t have any reason for me to dislike her and his relationship so much.

Today, she had to take a leave from her school. I didn’t know what was wrong until Luhan told me after school, that she lives in an abusive family. He explained that she has spent a lot of time at our school’s counseling office talking to our counsel teacher about her problem. They suggested she leaves the family for a while and should take a break from school for a week. After that, Luhan repeated their conversation to me.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

“Somewhere safe.” She replied calmly.

Then after Luhan came to my house, we started watching The Phantom of Opera. In the middle of the movie, he suddenly says he misses her. I froze, but managed a reply. “One week, that’s really long.”

Luhan sighed. “I like her cool aura and behavior a lot!”

Yeah, yeah. I know. She’s so different from me, so new to him that he can’t help but want to get attached to. Being with her, he’s never going to be bored or in an awkward situation.

I’ve never been the social type; I believe I’m so much mature than everyone in our class. Boy was I so wrong. She’s in something much more complicated than what I’m feeling and thinking. My negative and dreary thoughts are something I can stop, but abuse, is not something she can take control of. It’s not like I do anything bad to her, but I just can’t stand Luhan putting me in second place.

Maybe I should try to be her best friend, too? Maybe I should act more open? I want to get rid of my jealousy, my distain, my stupid mind of thoughts!

But that’s like telling me not to feel.

I want someone to be with me…to always stay with me, yet I’m acting so childish. I’m acting as if this world is resolving around me. Which is wrong of me to think so. I want to be saved, BADLY.

“I hate myself…” 

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  • 14. Asian. A typical Capricorn. Having to be my own hero, in case everything in life lets down on me. Love frogs. Love nature. Ultimate Naruto fan! Living and enduring life.
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