Getting me stuck with my own tedious feelings,
emotions, thoughts and ideas kills. It’s a fight that I can never win. There’s
simply no opponent, but myself, who I know the most. Jealousy is hard to
overcome, because when you love someone that much, it’s just hard to let
another person into the closely woven friendship.
I feel hot. It’s weird, because it’s pretty
cool today. But the hotness is coming from my body itself, and it gives an
effect harder than what the outer temperature can do to me. It pains me to just
think about them being so close of a friend right now.
Why did things turn out this way? It’s all
because she sat behind him that started their relationship. I’m jealous, indeed
jealous. There’s no description to the immense jealousy I have inside of me
right now. Yet, I can’t do a thing but sulk myself.
Luhan was my best friend, my one and only
close friend. We do everything together, there’s only the two of us, until she
transferred to our school. Still, she wasn’t our ‘type’ to hang with. UNTIL she
sat behind him. I want to cry. He started acting her strong personality,
started talking to her and finding her much more amusing and exciting to hang
out with.
That’s because she’s so different from
Luhan, she actually attracts his attention easily. She’s good at mechanical things,
she has an open and carefree personality, and she’s not the type of girl with
good grades and follows teacher’s orders. But she tries hard when she wants to,
and she is a good friend. That’s what she fit well in our school fast. She has
a horrible background that immediately has people care for her, but that’s not
something Luhan knew until he became so familiar with her.
I didn’t know they started exchanging
numbers, and I didn’t know Luhan has called her so many times. He even went to
her house. Because she couldn’t sleep, so she asked Luhan to chat with her for
the whole night. I acted like I didn’t care, acted like she was my friend, too,
but I cry when I’m alone. I want my best friend back. This is so wrong of me,
because she never was my enemy, she never did anything wrong to me, she doesn’t
have any reason for me to dislike her and his relationship so much.
Today, she had to take a leave from her
school. I didn’t know what was wrong until Luhan told me after school, that she
lives in an abusive family. He explained that she has spent a lot of time at
our school’s counseling office talking to our counsel teacher about her
problem. They suggested she leaves the family for a while and should take a
break from school for a week. After that, Luhan repeated their conversation to
me.
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“Somewhere safe.” She replied calmly.
Then after Luhan came to my house, we
started watching The Phantom of Opera. In the middle of the movie, he suddenly
says he misses her. I froze, but managed a reply. “One week, that’s really
long.”
Luhan sighed. “I like her cool aura and
behavior a lot!”
Yeah,
yeah. I know. She’s so different from me, so new to
him that he can’t help but want to get attached to. Being with her, he’s never
going to be bored or in an awkward situation.
I’ve never been the social type; I believe
I’m so much mature than everyone in our class. Boy was I so wrong. She’s in
something much more complicated than what I’m feeling and thinking. My negative
and dreary thoughts are something I
can stop, but abuse, is not something
she can take control of. It’s not like I do anything bad to her, but I just can’t
stand Luhan putting me in second place.
Maybe I should try to be her best friend,
too? Maybe I should act more open? I want to get rid of my jealousy, my distain,
my stupid mind of thoughts!
But that’s like telling me not to feel.
I want someone to be with me…to always stay
with me, yet I’m acting so childish. I’m acting as if this world is resolving
around me. Which is wrong of me to think so. I want to be saved, BADLY.
“I hate myself…”
