Monday, August 20, 2012

Graphics x2

Finally summer school is over! And I don't have to go to cram school anymore either! Woop! Despite the fact that this break is only for one week. Then, school starts. T^T Either way, if I do well this year, I can play for 3~5 months next year! 

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Friday, August 17, 2012

Wheedle [ Luhan x You ]

There are some people who are simply crazy; they are not fit to be human. They simply don’t have any feelings towards what they do. I loved him so much, I fell in love with him numerous times, and I thought that maybe he would get my feelings one day and stop his actions. I was wrong, he has fallen too deep. I’ve just been a toy in his plan. In the end, everything went his way.

I don’t get how some people are able to make you fall in love with them for a moment, then shatter your heart like you were never meant to be.

Did they actually plan this? Or was it their natural habit?

I hope it’s neither, because it hurts.

You can never really forget the feeling you get when they suddenly change, when they say you’re a piece of trash. When they jeer at you with their hollow eyes, telling you they were only playing with you.

People who haven’t been through this, tells you to forget and live on. That they are not worthy enough to be a part of your precious life, no matter how much you’ve loved them.

But the wounds they make—leave scars.

Truth to be told, I get scared every now and then about what he thinks of me. I wonder what runs in his head when he hears my name, because he surely doesn’t show anything.

I get confused a lot, and that confusion makes me frustrated and being in frustration for too long—drives me into madness. That madness slowly forms into hate. There’s always a limit to how much a person can endure another’s physical and verbal ways.

The sharp sound of glass breaking against the marble floor echoes in the air. The silence after the impact is what’s truly eerie. You don’t know what’s going to happen during the few moments of secrecy.

“You’ve got to stop doing that!” I hush. The absence of sound is hard for my heart, where it beats so rapidly, thumping against my chest, forcing my body heat to rise. This feeling of being scared, is something that happens daily.

There were two sides of him, a lovely prince or a scowling beast. Both of them leave damage to my heart mentally. And sometimes physically—when the beast comes out. I’m aware of everything now, saying what needs to say and nothing more, only eating what I need and not desire for more. I don’t want him to find a chance to pick out my mistake, and get all angry.

“I hate you, I hate you!” He comes yelling and waving his fist into my room. He reeks of alcohol. “You and that stupid marriage! Taking away my right and free will to love another being!”

“You’re a pathetic girl. What can you achieve?” Luhan laughed. “You’re even worse than Kai.” The shade of his cheeks has turned bright red. I didn’t know what he drank, but he’s become more hurtful than ever.

Standing in front of him, I grasp my chest, and with my eyes closed, I hope—that he can accomplish his dream. Mother said to compliment or encourage another when I am disturbed by their behavior. Then, I won’t feel that hard thing that clogs in my throat, because having hope in people, will deflate and overpower the frustration, and light a way.

I went to sleep on the couch, afraid to disturb the sleeping Luhan. So he accidentally drank alcohol instead of medicine, or else he wouldn’t be in that state. It’s highly doubtable though. He has been in quite a bad mood, that he bashes all the pressure on me.

There’s nothing I can do about this situation, but keep blessing him. I want him to see over his confidence that has turned into arrogance. I need him to know that his confidence is going to turn on him in the end. Luhan knows I won’t leave him. He knows I don’t have the courage to do that.

“Baby…You there?” Luhan’s voice wakes me from my slumber. He seems to be in a much better mood. That’s a relief. And somehow, I can see a small smile on his lips.

“Does your head hurt?” I whisper. He hates it when I speak loudly, to him, my voice is a nuisance.

“A little. Can you rub it for me?” He walks over casually, planting himself on the soft carpet, leaning his back against me. The smell of his hair and clothes are sweet. I’ve always loved this smell, but he would say it’s disgusting. I don’t know when and where he changed back into these plain clothes, when he would just wear those suits and have girls flutter around him. That’s what he smelt like. Like a monster.

“Is this good enough?” I place my hands on his head, rubbing it and stroking his hair.

Silence erupts. “You don’t have to be so scared.” He whispers.

“Thank you.” I mumble. Although I act like nothing is bothering me on the outside, I’m really uncertain. What are his motives? Why is he telling me that? How can I not love him? He looks so innocent, like a child, yet everyone is afraid of him, afraid that he would hurt them. Luhan has this gift to talk people into doing things for him. He can buy anyone with only his mouth.

I fell for it, too. And now I’m falling for him all over again. I fell for him when we first met, when my dad introduced me to him. He was cool yet distant at that time, but he wasn’t mean at all. He treated me like a normal girl despite our status after marriage; I was sad, but quickly recovered. These things need time, why rush it? Not until I knew what he was doing all this time. My love for him shattered—no, it didn’t. I still loved him, but my patience was gone. I couldn’t stand him. He’s simply a playboy, a dandy that is sneaking and snooping behind my back. I never knew he hated me that much until he poured everything out last night. Those fury eyes were full of loathe. There wasn’t a hint of mercy.

“I’m really sorry.” Luhan rubbed the back off his head. “For what I said last night.”

“Which part?” I practically yelled. I’m furious all over again; I can’t stand holding everything in. This Luhan seems so nice, seems like someone I can trust. Maybe I might be able to tell him a little of what I felt about the old him, in case I won’t have the chance to let everything out ever again. And even if the next minute this Luhan turns out to be the old, cold, distant him, I have already decided to confront him.

I stand up, my veins forming on my neck and my hands. It always happens when I’m angry. My blood pressure becomes high, and the instant it reaches its limit, my vascular would explode. If it’s serious, I would die. Even the slightest effects would give me a stroke. I inherited this from my parents.

The beautiful pink sky reflected off of Luhan’s shocked face. His eyes were round and wide, looking at me. It’s still early, around five in the morning. I don’t want to ruin the quiet and peaceful dawn.

“I’ve been hurt so many times, every single time! You get mad, drunk, then the next morning you tell me you’re sorry. You tell me you didn’t mean to, you say that you’re trying to adapt to this marriage. But it always repeats. It happens again! And you better not be playing with me this time.” I cry. The tinkling feeling reaches my nose, it’s the first step before I start to tear up.

My vision was blurred, I reached a hand to wipe away the tears, but Luhan catches my arm. “Don’t wipe it away. Cry.” He holds onto my arm, then he stands up to face me. I can hear his heartbeat already—or was it my own? “Calm down and cry.”

Luhan pulls our bodies together, his arms circled around my shoulders, and his bends his head down to face mine. He lands his lips on my forehead and pulls me even closer. This time, I’m sure I heard his nice patterned heart beats. I literally cry, my muffled screams were being absorbed into his shirt, including the tears from my eyes. He stands there, with his head rested on my shoulder.

I hug him tightly, basically squeezing him. “Stop making me fall in love with you every single time.”

“Don’t worry, this will be the last time I’ll ever hurt you.” Luhan pulls away; he places a palm on my cheek, causing me to blush.

It has been like that for days, to weeks, to months and finally, it has been two years. Luhan obeyed, he protected me, he loved me and he kept his promise to never hurt me again.

One morning, I was watching the sunrise, remembering the day where he actually treated me like a different person, as someone special. Today, I was waiting for him to come back from work. He should be back from the airport any minute now.

The door unlocks, I run to the front door. “Lu!” I exclaim.

“Hey.” Luhan smiles widely.

“I’m going to be a mother!” I cry in excitement, running to him. The minute our body made contact, he pulled me off the ground, spinning around and around.

“And I’m going to be a father…” Luhan can’t believe the news. He was speechless. After he let me down, he placed his arm around my shoulders and wolf whistled. I smile as I look up at him, feeling the happy aura beaming around us. He places his hands over mine and we silently stare at each other, a soft smile playing on our lips.

“Let’s celebrate tonight.” Luhan suggests.


“Do you remember?” He asks.

“Remember what?”

“What day today is…” He whispered.

“Not really.”

“Sheesh. And I thought girls were supposed to remember these kinds of things. Today was the day we first met. When our parents introduced us.” Luhan exclaimed, his eyebrows were wriggling and his eyes were unforgivable. “How could you forget?”

“Ah. I’m sorry.” A blush dances on my cheek, slowly working its way all over my face.

“Well, dates shouldn’t really matter huh? Luhan smiles again.

That night, he drove in his car, taking me to a high class restaurant. We were forced to eat elegantly and not goof off, though it was hard, we maintained our composure. Through half of the meal, guys in suits started making their way into the restaurant.

I wondered what was wrong. Luhan was calm, so I didn’t pay attention to them anymore. But they started getting closer to our table; their loud ruff voices were discussing something. Then, Luhan touched my hand, his eyes firm.

“Don’t be distracted by them.” He simply says.

“Alright…” I reply.

As soon as I turn my head around to face Luhan again, his hand had reached out in front of my face. I watch his hands touch my chin, and then he grips it tightly around my neck. As soon as he does that, the man in suits come toward us.
“Go die.” Luhan jeered.


“I mean exactly what I said.” He cried. “Your dad killed my father for money. Your dad stole our hotel away. Your dad made me marry you so he can keep an eye on me!”

“I never knew.” I tremble. I want to pull his hands off of me. It doesn’t hurt anymore, what hurts is my heart. “You should have never made any promises, if you can’t keep them.”

“I never loved you. I never did and never would. I just wanted to get revenge.” Luhan let go of my neck. He sat back on his chair and watched as the guys grabbed onto me, pulling me toward the stairs. I never thought I’d die this way, but apparently, that’s not what they wanted.

They pushed me down the stairs all right, but the only real thought I have now, is the baby. Although it’s only a few weeks old, the life…the little life is now dead. I cannot bare the pain that Luhan is giving me once again. How cruel can he be? He’s mad; he has turned into a complete freak. A beast, a monster!

I don’t believe he never had feelings for me, I don’t believe what he means. No one could have acted like that, no one could have…wait, my bad—Luhan can do all that, because he’s simply not human.

He has made me meet death for so many times, but he kept me alive, just to hurt me more mentally. I should have never thought he would change. Our whole relationship has been a wheedle, a game and a revenge.

For all I know, I’ve been so stupid. 

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Friday, August 3, 2012

Newest Poster!

I made two posters, one is a light one the other is the opposite! :D The light one is better though, the blending and all. I'm really sad, a classmate of mine has left our class. We've been together in the same class for two years already, I don't want him to go. Seriously, he's a friend. T^T I hate saying goodbye!!! KJADLEWHHFEHFEWHEH, I am really depressed! 

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Sunday, July 1, 2012

Happy Birthday

I know today is also Super Junior Leeteuk's birthday, but it's also my best friend's birthday. Either way, I made this graphic for her, despite the complicated relationship we're in right now. I want her to know, that she's going to be my best friend for lifetime! It's not going to be easy, keeping up with each other and all, and sometimes I become lazy to do anything with my old friends, but I will, I swear I will treat her better, treat her as family and overcome this kind of squishy feeling I have in my heart. 
I should have added the texture better, look at Jongup's poor face! *0* He's literally covered. 

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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Upon Reflection [ Luhan x You ]

I didn’t want this, I didn’t hope for this, but it happened, and there’s no turning back unless we both forget, but it’s going to be hard—because wounds leave scars. I’m sorry to have made Luhan angry, maybe hate me even, just because I can’t control my emotions that run through.

I’ve really done it this time. Luhan said so himself. I can’t believe I can be so self-centered. I deserve to have no friend, that’s what I should be—isolated.

Ever since seeing her and him so close, so friendly, I feel like a light bulb. And I am starting to doubt our friendship. We get into conflicts easily, partly because of me. I’m being a sensitive, arrogant and pathetic girl. That’s what Luhan called me.

“You’re someone who want people to do what you want aren’t you? The type of person that wants people to pity you!” Luhan jeers.

That really hurts, knowing it came from him. I still remember his raised voice, the annoyed aura he has and those dark eyes.

Have I done really wrong this time? I couldn’t hold it. We’re at the state when we have nothing to talk about. And it’s funny, how our zodiac signs are totally incompatible, yet we still managed to become such friends.

But thinking back, is our friendship this lightly taken? What’s this feeling that’s squeezing and hurting my heart? It’s this scorching guilt and regret building up. All I can think about is how wrong I’ve been.

“Why did you want to cancel?” Luhan asked.

“Hmm…” Was all I replied.

“Why?” He waited and waited. “What do you mean by that? Why? Tell me!”

He wanted to know the reason, but I don’t even know myself. I just don’t want him to invite her to this ‘start of summer break’ party. It was always Luhan and I. Always. I can’t tell him that. That’s so greedy, so selfish. He grew so impatient, he was actually scary.

But losing him in this totally abrupt way is even more painful and frustrating. I want to be alone tomorrow. I don’t want that party—should I force myself to have fun?

I’m afraid to lose everyone when they come to see the real pathetic me. It’s just so hard to maintain the jealousy. No one understands my mind, my heart, no one will want to listen to all these. What will come of Luhan and I? What will?

It’s almost midnight—and I haven’t prepared anything for his birthday tomorrow. How horrible of me. Loneliness is getting the best of me; it’s not anything simple anymore. Not a reassuring smile from Luhan would fix my broken mind—and heart. 

Despite everything, I’ll say this secretly.

“Happy Advance Birthday.” 

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Monday, June 25, 2012

Naruto Daisuki

Screencap made by me. It was around the start of episode 100, where Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura wanted to see what's behind Kakashi's mask. xD Gif credit to original owner. 
I just totally love this gif! 
"Don't worry, I'm okay." -Naruto

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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Grip [ Kai x You ]

Out of the entire suicide crisis out there, they are mainly because no one is there to save them. No one is there to save their broken mind and heart. Sometimes a stranger’s words are what affect a person more. The pain can reduce, the thoughts can die down, and something else will bloom. So don’t—runaway.

It’s happening again, my desire to skip school. Every time I have this thought, it’s always Sunday. A day before the week starts. And it’s always the event on Friday that makes me so melodramatic.

I become aware of what others think of me now. I want to know what’s in their minds when they hear my name, but knowing that much might actually tear me apart. This is reality, this is life.

Sometimes, I cry alone when everyone has gone to sleep. My body becomes hot and sweaty, my tears burn my eyes, and my body twitches unintentionally. I would jeer so hard, wondering why it’s me—why I have to face this. Why I have thoughts like this.

I just make my life miserable and in vain with these thoughts. I’m a pathetic, dreary being that has no motivation for life, no heart to simply try and overcome what I am. Is this a direction? Some sort of challenge that I need to face? I don’t believe in those.

But I want to believe and trust something. Why isn’t there someone in my life that can guide me? That can tell me how much I’m worth?

It took me so long to find out, that I, myself am the one capable of expressing myself. I need to try; I have to try—until I overcome this pain in my heart. There are no real pain, there can’t be. Everything just passes by each second.

The fan and my sniffles are the only sounds that could be heard in the household. Oh, and the sudden flicker of light from the house next door. I sometimes wonder if my cries would be heard. Our houses are so closely separated, I can see a figure from the corner of my eye, but I was soon blinded by more tears.

“You’re not running away are you?”

“Huh?” I reply. I can barely recognize that as my voice. It’s so raspy, filled with trembles.

I was aware that the window of the other house is now opened. I sat up from the bed and taking a few tissues, I waited for the person—the guy to reveal himself. His voice was like the voice I heard at the swimming competition. The voice that told me to keep on going, there’s only a little distance left. I loved that voice. Someone believed in me. That’s what I felt at that time. I just wish I can feel the same now.

“Everything will be okay.” He says.

“I’ve been telling myself that for quite some time already.” I mutter. “Who are you?”

“If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

He’s not helping one bit. “Go away, anonymous.” Despite the hot weather, I closed the window, shunned him outside of my view. I resumed back to lying on the bed, enjoying the solitude.

“Don’t leave, yet.”

“Shut it! Leave me alone with my thoughts!” I cry back.

“Thoughts? They are seeds that kill.” He hisses. “Now listen up you self-centered girl—get a grip.”

My rapid heartbeats disturbed the apprehensive memories and feelings from appearing in my mind, instead, they stayed back, letting me hear the clear thumps of my heart. I want a grip, I really do. All this time, I only wanted someone to tell me that, someone that can get some sense into me.

It used to be my mother, but I can’t tell her these thoughts. She would tell me not to mind them, but I care about every single thing everyone says and does! That’s just me and what I have come to do since I was small. I can’t just stop, I don’t know how. That’s not the right way to help me!

“I didn’t have friends.” He continues. “Everyone looked down on me. I don’t have a family, and my grades are below average. Loneliness is what I felt. I can’t change the way people think of me, but you can. You don’t know the effect you can do.”

“C-Can I know your name?” The throbbing has gone, the beating has died, my nose has stuffed up, yet the feeling of remorse is building up in me. I’m so stupid.


“Thank you, Kai.” Finally, someone’s words have reached me. Sometimes, a stranger’s words are much more useful than anyone I know. I have to remember, there’s always someone out there, who’s in a much worse situation than I am.

And meeting that person will let you have a different view in yourself.

“Congratulations on winning the swimming race.” Kai laughs. “Don’t run away from yourself okay?”

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- your only -

  • 14. Asian. A typical Capricorn. Having to be my own hero, in case everything in life lets down on me. Love frogs. Love nature. Ultimate Naruto fan! Living and enduring life.
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